All A-bored

February 4, 2007

So, for the inaugural post… I’ve decided to write about something very close to me.  And by close to me, I mean on the television across the room from me.  We’re all hopping on this deathtrain together… so I figure I’ll start us off by tattooing the old devil’s ‘rithmatic onto the juiced up forearm of the biggest turd to infect your TV screen this weekend. 

That’s right… I’m talking about the Super Bowl.

I appreciate that people love football.  Scratch that.  I am aware of the fact that people like football.  I have spent many many years pretending to understand that, and for the past few years, I’ve actually pretended to like it too.  Well the fairy tale is over.  Ladies and gentlemen… football is boring.  Sports are boring… unless you’re playing them.  But for me, playing sports is actually worse than watching them being played… so why don’t we just toss that into the traincar too? 

Every Superbowl I’ve ever been subjected to has been dull.  Even the exciting ones are dull.  And this is due entirely to the fact that the team I’m rooting for never makes it.  I started off as a Kansas City Chief’s fan.  Why?  Simple… two reasons: 1. Joe Montana played for them after he left the 49ers, and back then, Joe Montana was the only football player whose name I knew (as opposed to the maybe 5 players I know today).  2.  Because I liked their team symbol.  When I was in middle and high school, Starter jackets were the organizing principle.  The newness and quality of your Starter jacket was what made you the alpha male… and granted you the right to stalk through the hallways, beating up the other boys, and latching onto the swollen red asses of whatever broodmare you desired.  All of my friends had Starter jackets with their team colors on them… I needed one too.  And I liked the red and yellow.  I have no idea why.

I’ve never seen a Superbowl where my hometeam was playing.  In truth… this doesnt really bother me, as I dont really give two shits about the Eagles, and in fact would rather they lose, just to see how disappointed everyone gets.  I think it’s interesting.

I heard that Superbowl Sunday is like the day for spousal abuse.  Apparently it happens more often on Superbowl Sunday than any day in the whole year.  That’s fascinating.  I think it has to do with betting… because, like I mentioned before, there cant be that many people in the country for whom the Chicago Bears’ victory or loss is that big a deal.  And besides… the entire male population of Chicago is already beating the entire female population of Chicago anyway… so there’s got to be something else.

If it’s only sports betting that gets you to watch the Superbowl… then what’s the appeal?  You could bet on anything… and I guarantee that a cockfight in your basement will have fewer commercials.

A quick note on Superbowl commercials: 

     I’ve noticed so far that the commercials are split into 3 categories:

                                    45% – Beer commercials
                                    45% – Car commercials

which, to me, suggests that a great many people will be drinking and driving… which is awesome.  The last group:

10% – Commercials for random goods being sold through slapstick montages, dick jokes, homophobic situations, and chicks with big cans.  So business as usual.

The Superbowl is essentially four hours of two teams we dont really care about playing a game that stops being interesting after thirty minutes.  This is interspersed with annoyingly quirky commercials and overt sexual imagery (and not even the good kind, but the cheap, lame kind) and a typically lame-ass halftime show.  Though this year’s proves to be a bit better, since Prince is doing it.

I think the Superbowl has run its course.  I’m tired of it.  Boo to the Superbowl.  Lets watch David Attenborough nature programs instead. 


One Response to “All A-bored”

  1. dora Says:

    you realize that by writing out “super bowl” you’re gonna get your ass sued, right? haha.

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