August 13, 2007

I’m tired and scattered… so this wont make much sense… but I’m writing it anyway.

So you’re innocent until proven guilty.

I believe that.

The evidence against Michael Vick, however… certainly seems to be pointing in a very specific direction.  And lets face it… we all know the piece of shit did it.  If it turns out that he’s actually innocent… I’ll apologize in a blog, I promise.  But until that point… I’m going to go on hating that slithering piece of shit.

It doesn’t require any description… we all know that dogfighting is the very personification of cruelty. 

We all know, as well, that I’m a staunch defender of pit bulls… and am far more fond of dogs than I am of humans… especially ignorant athletes whose only skill in life is the ability to hurl an object from one place to another.  I’ve never found sports to be even remotely interesting – and have harbored the secret suspicion that sports fans are, by and large, all suffering from a mild form of retardation.

A lot of stupid rhetoric has come out of this Michael Vick issue.  A whole lot.  My personal favorite is the argument from black Americans that Michael Vick is being targeted for his race.  It’s a black thing. 

Here’s a personal message from me to every American (black or otherwise) who subscribes to this logic:

Go fuck yourself – fuck you and your cry-wolf mentality.  The vast majority of Americans are disgusted with Vick’s (purported) behavior because it’s cruel and disgusting… we don’t give half a shit if he’s black.  What’s wrong with people?  Why must it ALWAYS come down to race?  Of course there are people in this country who hate Michael Vick for being black… they’re assholes.  Ignore them.  Chances are, they’re terrified of you anyway… and they know that their girlfriends would rather screw you than them… so rest easy in that knowledge and shut the fuck up.  It’s just absurd… this constant caterwauling over racism.  There are thousands of instances of real, genuine, horrible racism going on in this country every goddamn day… and when I have to listen to crap like this – I’ll admit it – it makes me less inclined to pay attention to them… let alone care.  Stop living up to stereotype and grow some damn sense.

Something else that’s been bothering me about this whole Michael Vick thing:  this argument – "Michael Vick is a role-model for children… he should know better."  I agree that the man should know better.  The bastard is missing some essential, human quality if he’s getting his jollies by forcing innocent animals to brutalize one another – or, of course, I could have it backwards, and he could have that human quality in spades.  Pun unintended.  Maybe the default human response is to be a monster… and I, and people who share my sorrow over this, are somehow bigger, better creatures than the shit that would do what Vick apparently did.  Either way – digression.  Sorry.  Tired.

What the hell kindof world am I living in where some pituitary-case, drawling shit-heel quarterback is a role model?  People… he’s a fucking football player.  Why does that impress you? 

Am I just a freak or something?  Why is the ability to throw a ball to someone a big enough of a deal to warrant Role Model stature?  It’s a goddamn game.  The guy isn’t a doctor saving lives, or an artist, coalescing the wholeness of human experience into an image or a phrase.  He’s some black guy with diamonds in his ears who throws a ball to other black guys with diamonds in their ears, who then run that ball in a specific direction and then dance about it.  Then, to celebrate, they let the one white guy kick the ball between two big sticks.  That’s the game.  He’s not a world leader.  He’s not a theorist or an inventor.  He’s not a war hero or a magical ninja who slew a giant dragon made entirely out of bullets or anything… he’s a GODDAMN FUCKING FOOTBALL PLAYER!!!

You people are so fucking stupid.  I am filled with so much anger over this.  IT’S SPORTS.  IT’S BORING.  IT’S A BUNCH OF PEOPLE WHO CAN BARELY SPEAK, RUNNING AROUND IN TIGHT PANTS.

Everyone I know is asking me if I’m looking forward to preseason.  Are you frakking kidding me?  Why in the name of Satan’s brimstone cock would I give a shit?

I just dont understand.  Existing among you people is like trying to put a puzzle together without the aid of eyes or fingers.  Oh God just die.  All of you.  Die.

I want you all to explode from within… leaving only me, dogs, people who are into good music and conversation, and japanese food on the planet.  That’s my idea of heaven… a place where I don’t have to hear some cheese-wheel with a mustache jabber about inane sports minutiae with his rat-tailed, hayseed kid, while they stand in line to buy Doritos and Coke.

Oh man… I was so much more mad about stuff than I realized.  It’s been a while since I ranted.  And this was just a little sprint-rant… not like one of my long-distance, rant-till-you-barf rants.

Aesopean Moral:   Michael Vick is a guilty mother fucker (duh), and we should blow his fucking brains out for what he did.  Dogs are better than all of you.  Sports are for people too stupid to appreciate how stupid sports are.

Yogi Berra would have loved that one.

I miss Lainey.


5 Responses to “Dawg”

  1. Mike Says:

    Ok, we agree on Michael Vick being a piece of shit who should be diced up and fed to pit bulls in shelters. However, I disagree with most of your comments on sports.
    Grown-ass men don’t need role models, children do. It is a fact that children do not choose their role models logically. They see and are mesmerized by those who do the impossible (Spider Man, Wolverine, Michael Vick). So while Michael Vick might be a scumbag unworthy of children’s idolization, that unfortunately doesn’t have very much to do with whether or not he gets said admiration. Thus, the scumbag is a role model.
    Thats not to say I think that the experiences had en route to professional athletics
    can’t make for a good role model, which brings me to another point. The real value of sports is not for entertainment, but in participation. Playing hockey has made me tougher (physically and mentally), more confident, more competitive, taught me the value of team work, accountability, diligence and focus, and to appreciate people for their effort as much as you do for their actual achievement (also that a certain level of effort can be an achievement unto itself). Most importantly, hockey taught me what a pain in the ass it is to be fat. All this is the kind of shit I would want my kids to know.
    Sports also present us with a very tangible, universally appreciable form of struggle and achievement, which inspires. Can you honestly tell me last year when Italy won World Cup you weren’t a little bit proud, or inspired? At the very least you won 30 dollars, so you can’t say sports never did anything for you.

  2. a. Says:

    “The real value of sports is not for entertainment, but in participation. Playing hockey has made me tougher (physically and mentally), more confident, more competitive, taught me the value of team work, accountability, diligence and focus, and to appreciate people for their effort as much as you do for their actual achievement (also that a certain level of effort can be an achievement unto itself). Most importantly, hockey taught me what a pain in the ass it is to be fat.”
    I think that’s awesome. You sound like a plastic, insanity machine, but I think it’s awesome that you believe that.
    I mean… there’s no question that hockey is doing good things for you, that atheletics in general are a good thing for people… as they need exercise, and (to be honest) however a person chooses to get their jollies is fine by me. But comeon… it’s just sports. Was I excited when Italy won the world cup? Of course… I wanted them to win. Did I feel inspired? Not even in the slightest. Do I feel any kind of emotional connection to a player or team that I arbitrarily choose to root for? No. Because those teams couldn’t give a fuck about me. I stand to take away nothing but the momentary satisfaction of seeing the blue team beat the red team.
    Struggle and achievement have to mean something in the end. If you’re struggling and working hard to lose weight, and you succeed, then it’s a true victory and I will swell with pride watching you do it. I’m happy that you’re getting healthy because you’re my friend, and I like seeing you feel proud. That’s awesome.
    But comeon… the Eagles have a shitty season, they buy new guys, they try again next year. They win the Superbowl, they die after the first 10 games, who the hell cares? It’s so completely meaningless.
    You’re such a smart guy, Michael… I cant believe you’re so taken in by this crap. And I dont hold that against you… all of my smart friends are caught up by sports. I’m the only one who thinks it’s stupid.
    I just don’t understand. It’s an industry where multi-million dollar primadonnas get paid to play a fucking game. That’s like someone tipping me after I jerk off.

  3. Mike Says:

    Ok. I am defending sports as recreation more than sports as an entertainment industry. I could do with out ever watching another professional hockey player in my life.But I can understand why other people take interest in it (although maybe not to the extent that they are).
    “Struggle and achievement have to mean something in the end. If you’re struggling and working hard to lose weight, and you succeed, then it’s a true victory.”
    I am on the fence. I see your point and agree with it. At the same time, why is me losing weight any more meaningful than an over-the-hill pitcher struggling to win a championship so he can say once in his life he was a champion, he was the best at what he did. Our lives should impact the world around us positively, but we also give our own lives meaning. Losing weight is my goal, excellence and proficiency in his sport is the pitcher’s, why is either any more worthwhile?
    Jerome Bettis is the best argument I can make for the possible usefulness of pro athletes. He has always been a classy guy, given back to the community, been a good role model for kids that look up to him etc. etc. I was so happy when he won a title with the Steelers, because hes always been a guy who got by on toughness and hard work more than talent, which is something I can root for. Or maybe the New England Patriots, they have overcome adversity through intelligence and team work many times. Nice, hard working guys coming out on top, team work prevailing, these things have the power to inspire, maybe not hard-assed cynics like yourself, but they can. Because sports are, at their best, a microcosm of life.

  4. Mike Says:

    Also if you ever let me watch you jerk off I would probably be willing to tip you, provided you were able to do so with the level of physical proficiency of a professional athlete.

  5. a. Says:

    Yes… a man in the autumn years of his life/career succeeding at his desired goal is, of course, moving. But this could be in anything… an old salesman nailing one, last big account is the same way (Glengary Glen Ross… even though it turned out to be bullshit… damn Nyborg family!). We’re talking about the underdog. Now, admittedly, underdogs are very common in sports – I just watched Randy Couture, a 44 year old man, beat the shit out a guy half his age in a UFC fight… that’s a sport… he was the underdog… I was happy for him. But there’s a limit. It’s not the sport that moves me… it’s the situation. So that makes sports the medium, not the message.
    Sports at its best is a microcosm of life, like you said… and at its worst (and far more commonly, I might add), it’s a negative force which glorifies largely meaningless athletic achievements made by overpaid assholes… and somehow hijacking the spotlight from people who actually give something important to society. Doctors cure illness, geneticists map the genome… Carl Sagan man… Carl fucking Sagan… he’s a hero. The guy convinced NASA to put a golden record of human culture onto a damn space probe. Blips of our culture, greetings in dozens of languages, art, photographs, music will live on in the emptiness of space long after our planet’s been engulfed by the sun… THAT is heroic. Carl Sagan singlehandedly made humanity immortal. Joe Montana threw a ball better than anyone else who threw a ball. It’s just not in the same league – no pun.
    What I wrote before is largely hyperbole… but now that we’re getting down to brass tax… I gotta say… sports are a weak measure in competition. Show me a man who can create a piece of music that can reduce me to tears, or a novel that speaks to our core humanity… show me a world leader who holds his country together in the midst of world war, or a lawyer who fights to defend some black kid when an entire country wants to lynch him… I’ll show you a hero.
    Show me a quarterback… and I’ll show you a guy who gets paid to play a game.
    I love that we disagree here.
    Reminds me of the first time we met.

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