Alack, Alack, Dutch Dude Cut Me Some Slack!

August 21, 2007

So I probably made the biggest little mistake of my life…

I’m in community theater.

I, stupidly, decided to chase down my secret dream of being in a Shakespeare play… and as a result of it, I’ve been cast in the Collingswood Shakespeare Company’s version of… wait for it…

"The Winter’s Tale"

I know, I know… you’ve never heard of it.  And with good reason.  It’s essentially two hours of Shakespearian ass.  It’s a stupid play that cant tell if it’s a fucking tragedy or a comedy… and I managed to get a large role.  Now, I’m sure some of you are thinking… "But Andrew… dont you want a large role?"


"But… why?"

Because I have to memorize a whole cockload of lines, asshole.  I dont know what the fuck I’m doing.  All I know is that there’s some playwrite dude named Colin who thinks that everyone under the sun is a fucking idiot, myself included (though I did namedrop Horace Walpole and his Gothic novel, "The Castle of Otranto" which I read in college… and that seemed to impress the bastard)… the director is a Dutch guy whose every word comes across as accusatory.  Some young, skinny starlett… a 25 year old hunky guy who is best described as, "some dude," it’s a motley assortment of dramatically-minded people, all of whom would probably hate me if they got to know me.  I’m bad with dramatic people.


I’m a different kind of dramatic.  I’m a "lets talk about who should be dead" kindof dramatic.

I’ve been cast as Camillo… a character who is in no way interesting… but still manages to find himself in nearly every fucking scene.

I wanted to play Antigonus… the old guy who abandons a baby on the beach, lest his king set his wife on fire (no kidding), and then is devoured by a bear (again, not kidding).  Instead, I got cast as like number four on the list.


I dont know how to act!!!

Tonight, during play practice, we wandered around the Collingswood library and did acting exercises.

I want to kill myself.

Why the fuck did I do this?

This is a lesson to all of you… dont do anything…


I mean it.

Collect dust. 

All of you.

No.  None of you can come.

I’m so bad!



One Response to “Alack, Alack, Dutch Dude Cut Me Some Slack!”

  1. c@t Says:

    i’m going to find out when it is and come. just because i get a kick out of that play. and i’m going to bring a copy of it with me, and circle in red all the lines you screw up. because i love you that much.

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