Never Has Christianity Been So… Appealing!

October 24, 2007

You’ll vomit after you get the pun.

I had the privilege today
to see what can arguably be considered the stupidest thing ever uttered
by a person in the entire history of human existence… which, if you
listen to this numbnuts, is about six thousand years.  Give or take an
eon or twelve.

I direct your attention to this video:

would do well to investigate this link.  The video is about a minute
long… and will delight you well into the night, as it did me.  I
guarantee it.  In the clip, we have… and I’m not kidding here… Ray
Comfort… yes, that’s right, this wiggler is named Ray Comfort, which is arguably the most soft-core of  porn names ever – and Kirk Cameron,
who we all remember from the nauseating 80s sitcom "Family Ties," where
he played the plucky and adorably rambunctious Mike Seever, son to
Jason Seever… played by Alan Thicke… which is, oddly enough, the most
hardcore of porn names ever.  He also had a best friend named
Richard Stabone – otherwise known as Boner.  Lets move on.

For those who don’t know, Kirk Cameron is kitten-smashing insane.
Somewhere in his twenties, Cameron saw a light so bright that it was
focused through his eyes, creating a beam so powerful that it managed
to burn a hole straight through his brain.  This brain canal was later
filled with cottage cheese… which has since festered… turning the
contents of his skull into a putrid gruel which acts, some suggest, as
a brain.  Kirk Cameron is an Evangelical Christian.  Not just any
Evangelical Christian… he’s the Evangelical Christian who succeeded
in debunking atheism, AND evolution… and all with the help of every
Christian’s most invaluable tool… the Swiss Army Knife of ontology…
the banana.  God’s answer to life, the universe and everything.

The banana.

Ray Comfort uses this phallic, yellow trump card in order to show
that… because of its very structure… the banana proves that
animals, humans, plants, protozoa, etc did not evolve through the
protracted arc of natural selection.  No.  Instead… every living
thing on this planet was created by an intelligent designer.  How do we
know this?  Because the banana fits into your hand when you hold it.
It curves to your mouth, and is affixed with an opening tab… which
allows you to crack it open and peel… it even comes with its own peel
grooves.  It is easy to chew, as it’s soft and mealy… and it’s even shaped like our mouth – as Ray Comfort was kind enough to show.  Obviously this is the work of God.  Proof that Darwinian
theory, with all of its observable fact is a mere trifle… nonsense.

Now… I’m sure we’re all reeling at this.  The mysteries of the universe have finally been unfurled before us.  All of our soul-searching… all of our doubt, finally laid to rest in the cool shade beneath the fronds of a banana tree.  But before you rush out to Hallmark to buy your thank you cards for Kirk and Ray… I want to include this one bit.  This overlooked bit.  This shining example of why Kirk Cameron and Ray Comfort should be dragged into the street and shot in front of their families…

"While the original bananas contained rather large seeds, triploid (and thus seedless) cultivars have been selected for human consumption. These are propagated asexually
from offshoots of the plant. The plant is allowed to produce 2 shoots
at a time; a larger one for fruiting immediately and a smaller "sucker"
or "follower" that will produce fruit in 6–8 months time… Cultivated bananas are parthenocarpic,
which makes them sterile and unable to produce viable seeds. Lacking
seeds, another form of propagation is required. This involves removing
and transplanting part of the underground stem (called a corm)."

Here’s the link:

This was, as you can see, taken from the wikipedia article on the banana… and it’s left me with a rather bothersome question: If God wanted Man to eat his fancy, prefab bananas, and in fact designed them specifically for us… why did he make them sterile?  Why are the seedless bananas a genetic dead end?  If God wanted to delight us with easily consumable fruity vittles, why did he construct them in such a way as to require that we actually cultivate their population through painstaking farming, rather than just plucking them off the trees?  Wild bananas, the fruits which manage their population naturally, and without our assistance, are ugly and seed-bearing… not the sweet, meaty treat (yucky rhyme, I know) that soccer moms slice into their children’s Cheerios.

There’s more bad news for those of the Bananism camp:  bananas might be going extinct soon.  This article:

It tells of a fungal blight which is systematically obliterating the Cavendish banana – the one that God made for man… well… men in India, as that’s where the Cavendish banana is native to.  So when we say that God made the banana for man… he made it for men who worship a different God than him… Elephant and Cow and Snake gods who are all different but the same.  Silly, silly Hindus.  Is this a sign of God’s wrath?  Is this the eleventh plague?  Locusts, frogs, boils, a torent of flame, blood, first born son… and now… OUR BANANAS!?!?  How have our bananas fallen from your grace oh Lord?  What must we do to appease you?  Now, not only must we cultivate and transplant our banana trees in order to enjoy them… but we must somehow cross-breed them with some other, more complicated cousin, one whose genes might contain a repellent to the blight, thus resulting in an immunized, Cavendish hybrid.   Why hast thou doomed us to impostor bananas?

What does this mean for other fruit?  If God’s love for us, and dominion over creation, is shown through the simplicity of a fruit’s consumeability… what does that mean for the pineapple?  Are its serrated leaves and mottled, spiky body some horrible standard for its evil, insidious intent?  Do these fruits wish us harm?  Was it the pineapple that introduced the fungal toxin into our Cavendish bananas?

Did Satan invent the coconut?

What cruel beast befouled our glorious Eden with the pomegranate?  Its complicated innards like little cysts of sweet, juicy doom.

Kirk! Ray!!  I need help!  I cant make heads or tails of this point anymore… somehow it just isn’t holding up to scrutiny…

And perhaps that’s because it’s absolutely fucking ridiculous!

It took me about fifteen seconds to find this information.  It took me fifteen seconds to refute their claim.  What does this say about Kirk Cameron and Ray Comfort, that their deeply-held beliefs are so easily batted away?  What does it say about their credibility when their hypothesis isn’t even remotely tested? 

Before they launch their assaults against science… perhaps they should consider learning a bit about it.  It might make them not look like two completely stupid assholes on national television next time.

realize that I just wrote a blog, maybe a week ago, softly castigating
the most famous spokesmen for atheism… suggesting that their
petulance and disrespectful attitude are beneath both them and atheists
as a whole.

I retract that statement.

I like to consider
myself a fair person.  A democratic person.  I believe in the
marketplace of ideas… a busy center of intellectual commerce… where
we can walk from cart to cart… sampling and tasting… seeing what
works for us.  Do I want some Buddhism for dinner?  No… maybe a
Taoist salad.  Sprinkle that with some Zoroastrianism, and garnish it
with a sprig of Chaos Theory… that’s good eatin’.

I am no longer a fair person.  The marketplace is closed… too many people are selling rotten fruit.

get serious about evolution.  Lets take it in the direction that
inspired this blog.  Lets see if we can enact a great change in the
mosaic of our mutual philosophies.  Lets hunt and kill Christianity. 
Lets chlorinate the mental gene pool a bit… thin the idea herd. 

Social Darwinism?  No no… Intellectual Darwinism.

When a farmer’s herd yields sick cows… what does he do?  He kills the sick in order to spare the healthy. 

kiddies… if Christianity leads a person to actually believe that a
cultivated fruit is a gift from God, and evidence of his dominion, in spite of the mountains of logical evidence to the contrary, it’s time for
it to die.

If Christianity permits a person to look at the
Universe… at a supernova for instance… one which is 100,000 light
years away, or a kilolight-year (which means that it would take 100,000
years to reach this exploded star if we were traveling at the speed of
light)… an event which proves that the universe is at least 100,000
years old (as that’s how long the light’s been traveling, permitting us
to see it), but insists instead that the universe is closer to 12,000
years old… because that’s what a 2000 year old book written by naked
desert people who slept with their sisters and shit out their windows
tells them… it’s time for it to die.

I realize that not
everyone is an Evangelical Christian… I get that some people… most
probably… are middle-of-the-road theists, who think that God is good,
and that he loves us and that yeah, science seems to have it right…
but God had his sparkly little hands in it somewhere…

Guess what?  Not good enough.  I don’t trust you. 

Evolve your ideas… think.

Christianity has had its chance – for 2000 years, mind you – to offer evidence for its legitimacy.  What have we gotten?  Hate masquerading as piety, ignorance masquerading as wisdom.  A wholly blind and damaging worldview… one which has lobotomized its practitioners, steamrolled, diluted and assimilated its opponents.  Christianity is the great chain around our throats, it is the shackles of intellectual enslavement. 


Take your story book and your curbstomped messiah and get the hell out of here.

Call me when you develop some perspective.

Kirk Cameron just pushed me too fucking far.  I’ve never heard such complete nonsense in my entire life.

seen the infomercials for his evangelical flimflam before… I’ve seen
how he and his closet leather puppet friend go and interview people
about their faith. 

Oh how I wish he would interview me…

For I am God’s twelfth plague.


2 Responses to “Never Has Christianity Been So… Appealing!”

  1. Ruthie Says:

    Not to mention the obvious that MONKEYS eat bananas, which would mean that our fury ancestors must have the same hand grip and mouth shape as us Humans….hmmm, proving a connection between monkeys and humans…what an atheist’s nightmare.

  2. Brianna Says:

    “Locusts, frogs, boils, a torent of flame, blood, first born son… and now… OUR BANANAS!?!?”
    This made me laugh out loud! I, too, wish there was someone who would point out that apes and monkey have the ability to hold and consume a banana in the same way Ray demonstrates. In fact, I wish I could just meet both of them just to point out that and the other facts you described above (I found that info in the same amount of time you did when I first watched that banana video). of course, they’d probably come up with some other lame excuse. It’s just an endless cycle of lame of lame excuses.

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