Dear Republicans:

January 30, 2008

Hi.  How are you guys?  I’m doin’ pretty good.  I just watched your debate on CNN… and I have a question for all of you.  Ready?  Here it is:

Why do you all insist on buttfucking Ronald Reagan?  I’m serious.  You guys are all balls-deep in his wrinkled, dead ass… and I’m asking you all to kindly stop.  It’s just simply disrespectful. 

Not to him, mind you.  You can disrespect his corrupt, evil, ass all you want.  I’m one of a few people who believe Ronald Reagan to be one of the most vile and wicked men ever to live on the planet – that fucking addled, big-business suckling idiot.  Sure… you’re showing his memory disrespect by tromping his name out on the campaign trail, and dropping it more often than his trembling, dementia-thinned hands would his frequent fistfulls of jelly beans… but again, I think he’s an evil cunt.  So you can do whatever you want to his memory.

The disrespect isn’t to him, my dear, darling trolls…. it’s to all of us.

Did I fall asleep for a thousand years and wake up in a perverted world of tomorrow or something?  Since when was Ronald Reagan a positive example for anything?  I get that Republicans carry flagpole boners over the guy… but for christ’s sake, why?

"Well he ended the Cold War," you say.

No he didn’t.  That’s ridiculous.  No one President ended the Cold War… it was a collaboration of fuckups from Eisenhower on down, marinated in the thick sludge of an anemic Communist economy.  All Reagan did was spend every last cent on bombs.  He outspent the Soviets… but that, by no means, is a good thing.  That’s not something he should be lauded for.  The asshole wanted to to put missiles in space.  IN FUCKING SPACE!!!  Even the Russians thought that was a bad idea!

"Well he brought Morality back into the Presidency…"

Oh absolutely… we can thank that drooling imbecile for making it acceptable for our Presidential candidates to be bible-wielding, hippocritical Nazis, whose bloodlust and old-testament philosophy entirely eclipse any thread of compassion, love or decency.  For every anti-abortion commercial that leather-faced retard had thrown up on our television screens… there were ten men dying of AIDS… a disease he flatly refused to acknowledge… because in the early 80s it was only killing gays… and hey… who cares about a bunch of dead faggots, right?  Virtually no money went towards researching AIDS during his presidency… which was, perhaps, his biggest blunder of all… for had he acted in time, perhaps the virus wouldn’t have spread quite so far.  But again… he was a Christian Conservative, and viewed AIDS as God’s divine retribution against sodomites.  God must have also hated hemophiliacs, transplant patients, and the thousands of wives and girlfriends and husbands and boyfriends who didn’t know enough to bag it, and got AIDS all because your administration was too proud and too stupid to openly discuss what has become the plague of our generation.  Nice call.

"But what about the war on drugs?  Certainly you cant disagree with the war on drugs?"

Watch me.  You cant fight a war on drugs.  Obviously, you cant.  So far it’s gone as well as the war on terror.  What is it with Nazi Republicans and their wars?  Why must we hurl war metaphors around?  Again, we get Reagan’s fraudulent decency shoved down our throats.  "We’re gonna get drugs off the streets to save the children!"  And how did he do that?  By criminalizing addiction.  By treating people who are SICK like they’re criminals.  Everyone gets better in prison!  Nothing like a stiff one up the dumper to help you get your life back in order!  Lets not forget the undercurrent of racism that was at the foundation of his little war… how crack offenses yielded substantially longer jail sentences than powder cocaine did.  Strange.  Blacks, by and large, used crack… and yet Wall Street and the legions of Armani-donning yuppie assholes who helped the Reagan administration to parcel out every last bit of this country to big business used cocaine.  I fail to see how Ronald Reagan can be viewed as a figure of moral clarity when his crusade against drugs (mainly pot and crack) was fueled by moussed and tanned minions 8-balled into frenzy.

What else?  What about Reagan’s support of Saddam Hussein during his war with Iran in the 80s?  How about our government supplying Iraq with money and subsidies and weapons and intelligence and the knowhow for developing the very chemical weapons he would use against the Iranians, and against the Kurds in the late 80s.  How about the daily news briefings his office would get regarding Iraq’s use of chemical weapons… and Reagan’s refusal to make any kind of public acknowledgment of it?

Oh how they love you Ronnie!  How they swoon with accolades for how your administration helped fund the Mujaheddin against the soviets… and contributed money and resources to Osama Bin Laden’s terrorist training camps in the mid 1980’s (1986 being the most successful year by far)… and how you sent the CIA and black-ops soldiers into the mid east to train Al Qaeda militants.

Ronald Reagan was a monster.  A bigoted, addled, B-movie actor whose Mid-east policies have a direct connection to the events of 9/11, both Iraq wars and the perception of this country as being a faceless, evil empire.  He was a man without compassion… without decency… without hope.  One cannot have hope if he considers men so worthless… so easily brushed aside.  Ronald Reagan was a cancer… a blight upon American foreign and domestic policy.

Oh.

Wait.

I get it now.

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