This is my fear:

February 6, 2008

Democrats are going to go with Hillary over Obama.  Women are going to put her over the top… they’ll come out in droves and vote for her because she’s a woman just like them… and then they’ll lie to the exit polls and say that gender had nothing to do with it. 

Oh wait… that already happened!

Hillary will ask Obama to be her running mate, both to seal her hold on minorities, and also to try and nab some of the younger voters who obviously support Obama over her – and for good reason… she’s a prickly old goat.

Romney will drop out, citing the public’s complete lack of interest in his candidacy as him motivation for doing so.  McCain will ascend to head the Repbulican party… but will have fears over whether or not he’ll be able to overtake Hillary/Obama.  He’ll be seen as too much of a centrist by the Republicans… and this will lead to him asking Mike Huckabee to be his VP.  Huckabee will take Jesus’ cock out of his mouth, accept, and then get back to business.

The election will come down to Hillary/Obama vs McCain/Huckabee.

McCain/Huckabee will win.  This will happen for several reasons:  First, because democrats will (and have for months) underestimate just how much conservatives hate Hillary Clinton.  She will actually be the main catalyst for the Republican surge.  Second, because nut-job Christians vote.  That’s all they do… they pray, fuck their cousins, and they vote.  God bless America.  They’ll see Huckabee as one shakey heartbeat away from the Presidency… and that’ll get their inbred asses out to vote.  Finally, Obama’s appeal with younger voters will not translate to them actually voting.  This is because young people, especially teenagers, are by and large horrible people who would rather watch a Who’s the Boss marathon than actually go out and vote.  On off days, I’m that kindof person, too.

McCain and Huckabee will win.  McCain will serve two years of his term before he tragically dies in his sleep.  Perhaps he’ll stroke out during the State of the Union… or finally suffer one last breakdown, succumb to a particularly violent Vietnam flashback, put a .357 in his mouth and repaint the White House red.  Either way… his goose will be cooked… allowing for the ascendancy of Mike Huckabee.

Huckabee will make a speech, mournfully accepting the responsibility to lead our nation, and singing mournful praises of a "fallen American hero."  He’ll use those words.  "John McCain worked  tirelessly through all of his 76 years.  He served his country in a time of war.  Served the good people of Arizona as their senator, and served us all as President of these great United States.  And while it saddens me to accept this – his Presidency – I do so, and take heart in the thought that this man who served us all so well, is finally permitted to rest."  He’ll say this too.  And then I’ll throw up on my shoes.

The next morning he’ll have outlawed abortion and homosexuality.  Science will become an elective in high school.  Public schools will open classes with prayer.  Jews, agnostics and other non-christians will be marginalized in political discourse… an army of saucer-eyed Christian Conservatives will overtake the country… and America will truly become the "Christian" nation they all think it is.

In six years, those of us who think will look back upon the (W) Bush Administration wistfully… and long for the days of "nucular" and "subliminable."


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