What Would Gordon Freeman Do?

September 8, 2008

We all remember Gordon Freeman, the dweebly physicist-turned crowbar-wielding messiah from the Half Life series? 

Anyone who went to college in the early '00s is at least partially familiar with him.  There are guys you simply never met your freshman year because of this man.  While you were out at parties, drinking warm beer and romancing the legs of boozy young women (all of whom were named Jennifer), these guys were lacing up their orange boots and crushing little head-spider guys with a crowbar.  Nobody really got the story – nobody needed to.  Gordon Freeman rocked… that was good enough for them.

Well… me.  Gordon Freeman was good enough for me.  Freshman year basically played out like this: cigarettes, books, conversations with Morgan about how frighteningly drunk her suitemates were able to get, Final Fantasy 8 and Half Life.  Believe it or not… I really enjoyed myself.

The story was something like this: Gordon Freeman (awesome) helps scientists drop some nuclear pastry into the fractalmatroninator, opening a portal to another world – the inhabitants of which quickly pour into our dimension and start to eat heads.  Your job was to survive.  Amazingly enough, the game was spectacularly fun… and actually rather artistic in the way it told its story. 

Digression.  Apologies.

I read this news story today.  Yikes.

Now I'm not saying that I think CERN's Hadron Collider (I kindof know what that is!) is going to open a rift in spacetime, and summon forth an army of slavering monsters.  I don't think it's going to rend the Earth in two, or tear open a black hole, or send us (along with a nude Sam Neill) to hell.

I think they're gonna send the one particle into the other… and they'll hopefully find a Higgs Boson (I kindof know what that is too!  I have smart friends who explain shit to me!) and we'll get a Unified Field Theory, or a Quantum Something Theory, or whatever it's called.  The one that lets massless particles have mass.  You know… those particles that aren't really particles.  The "quanta."  I tried to wrap my head around the "graviton" again today.  I woke up on the floor two hours later.

Anyway… so we've got like three major options coming up:

1. CERN hits the hadron button (I just like saying hadron) and nothing happens.  The two particles collide… stuff happens… and nobody finds the "God Particle"/hadron (god that term is such a boner inducer for me).  Life goes on as we currently know it, until McCain wins the election, dies of lumpiness, Palin becomes President and subsequently declares nuclear war on the Moon – thinking that it's Satan, who holds dominion over the skies.  The oceans swell, toppling our cities.  The sky turns red.   Christians drown just like the rest of us… so there'll be some justice.  Dolphins, seeing that our foul species has finally gone and offed itself, resume talking to one another and plan a huge celebration called "The Great Dolphainium."  It totally rules.

2. CERN hits the hadron button (heee!) and discover the Higgs Boson.  This confuses 99.7% of the planet… but the .03% who get it figure out a Unified Theory of Everything.  I become convinced that this will bring mankind together under a banner of peace and love – a Star Trek future.  It doesn't.  President Palin charges the newly-commissioned Alaskan Inquisitorial Brigade to load the world's scientists into the Hadron Collider and smash them into a wall of copies of "On the Origin of Species."  I start a revolutionary cabal of freethinkers, and ally them with dolphins.  I'm elected Dauphin.  War continues for years.  We call ourselves the Hadron Alliance.

3. The Hadron Collider does indeed unlock a portal to another world.  Flesh ghouls and kobolds and orcs and wraiths and troglodytes sweep through the cities, devouring the young.  The dolphins invite the survivors into their undersea city, Dolpipolis.  Palin converts the monsters to Christianity.  She becomes high-priestess of the Overworld, and soon becomes drunk with power.  She begins to enact strange laws – banning the color red for its arrogance, demanding that all mammals be forced to wear clothes as to reduce mammalian indecency, tithing goldfish 10% of their scales.  The two societies coexist uncomfortably for millenia.  The populations of each society interbreed… creating Wellsian equivalents of Morlochs and Eloi.  Dolphosapiens feast on the Palinites for centuries afterwards.  All is well.

Man, I just took a look at what I wrote… I'm fucking nuts.  I got up a few times while writing this in order to do a few things – pee, walk the dog, eat cold won ton soup with my hands.

I think there's something wrong with me.  I'm gonna just stop here.



One Response to “What Would Gordon Freeman Do?”

  1. dora Says:

    this one actually made me laugh. bravo.

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