Negative Ned

October 2, 2008

So I'd love to agree with all of my friends and peers about this impending debate – the many of you who are convinced that Biden is going to obliterate Palin.  But here's the thing…

I think she's going to win.  Soundly.

Yeah, yeah… I know, "But Andrew… he's so much more capable than she is.  She's a dunderhead and a schmuck and Biden's just so much smarter than she is!"

Yeah… I know.  Here's the thing:

In this country, intelligence is a liability.  Let's not forget that the majority of Americans recoil at the idea of our leaders being "elite."  That word gets tossed around a lot – elitist.  Personally, I'd like to go on record as being totally in favor of my leaders being members of the creme o' the crop.  Why?  Because I hold my political leaders to the same standards as I do anyone else who provides a service to me.  When I go to a restaurant, I want my chef to know what he's doing.  When I get my haircut, I go to a professional haircutting lady (I can't say stylist… I just can't do it).  If I had a tumor the size of a peach growing in my stomach, I'd want the best fucking surgeon in history to remove it.  Not someone who's just like me.

You know what would happen if I had to remove a tumor from someone's stomach?  I'd shave rude words into their stomach hair – cut them open – vomit on their insides – pass out – be brought back into consciousness and then inadvertently murder them.  You know why?  Because I don't know what I'm doing.  I have no business cutting anyone open because I lack both the mind for it and the requisite experience to know what is what. Guts look like guts to me.  You hand me a scalpel and say go, and I might accidentally attach your esophagus to your sigmoid colon.

Sadly, I'm in the minority on this issue.  Palin's success was predicated entirely on three things – her gender – her social conservatism, which I refuse to even discuss in this blog… as social (Christian) conservatism is an archaic, absurd philosophy which doesn't even deserve my attention – though I admittedly complain about it to no end – and her persona. 

People just like Sarah Palin.  She's the lady you see in Walmart, comparing tater tot prices.  "She's just like me!" That's her appeal.  As sick and as sad as that might be.

So why is she going to win?  Not because she's the stronger candidate.  Not because she's intelligent, or capable or worthy of our attention.  She's going to win because Joe Biden doesn't know how to speak without putting his foot in his mouth.  She's going to win because of the absurd gender double-standard that exists in this debate.  If he goes after her, he's picking on her.  If he knows what he's talking about, he's an elitist.  Palin can sit back and snipe like the antagonistic bitch she is (sorry, but it's true), but if he attempts to shut her down – he's being a bully – Senator Meanpants (D-CT).

Really, all Biden needs to do is sit back and let Palin sound foolish.  But he wont.  He'll try to sit back and let her hang herself – but after fifteen minutes of that thick-jawed spaniel's yapping and he'll start to crack.  And then it's checkmate.

I know I'm a big Negative Ned.  Sorry, but I just can't not be.

Not when I live in an age of "gotcha politics."

Isn't that just a load of hot shit?  Gotcha Politics.  John McCain has accused the media of playing a gotcha game with Sarah Palin – attempting to stump her on cryptic issues to make her look foolish.

Listen up, John… EVERYTHING is a gotcha question when you dont' know what you're talking about.  The media can't help but make someone look foolish when they're a complete fool.

Here's hoping that in a few hours, Americans will see her big, floppy red shoes.

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