Goodbye Horses…

December 10, 2008

So I can't get that song out of my head.  Here's hoping this blog title will exorcise me of it.

I'm leaving for LA in the morning.  I'm really excited – I'll get to see my friends again.

Of course, this is bittersweet, since so many of my closest friends at school are graduating this time.  I'm really going to hate to see them all go.  Next time will be so lonely.

On top of that, I don't have a girlfriend this time.  "But, Andrew… so what?  Isn't that a good thing?"  Well, Voice, it would be if I was the kind of guy who wanted to prowl around for tail (which, admittedly, I can be sometimes).  But that's not really what I'm about right now, even if other people are.

Things between Erin and I have soured pretty considerably, due mostly to the fact that she lost her shit.  It's a long and personal story which I wont share with the internets, but ultimately she's just refusing to acknowledge her role in things… and finds it easier to make me into the cause.  It's sanely insane… which is what I've come to expect from her – and it upsets me greatly to see how bad things became between the two of us.  Especially now that I'm going out to LA.

I know it seems weird or random… but I've never been to LA without her waiting back home for me.  Whenever I needed time away from everyone, I'd go back up to my hotel room and talk to her over aim.  We'd call each other and blabber about how we missed the other – or rather, I would… she'd kindof just agree, which isn't exactly the same but I guess the best I could have ever hoped for.  Such a remote person.

It's weird, it's the little, random shit like this that makes me miss her.  Objectively, I can see that our relationship was actually pretty unhealthy… for both of us, probably.  I'm a fireball and she's an iceberg… that's not really a good mix.  But as I continue on past our break up (nearly two months ago now… which is so weird), and become more and more comfortable with it – viewed objectively, our relationship was so fucked… I can't believe I spent four years in it – I find these tiny little places in my life where her absence is really profound.  It's like chewing that gum that peppered its pieces with those waxy little flakes of mint flavoring… you know the kind I'm talking about… everyone's dad used to chew it.  Most of the time, it's just an ordinary chew… and then, every so often, you bite into something you didn't think was there anymore… and it dazes you with how overwhelming it is. 

Going out to LA without Erin waiting home for me adds a whole new level of closure for me – and that's unfortunate – for all of the reasons one could imagine it to be:  How I'm sorry that it didn't work, how I'm sorry that I'm 27 and don't know how to be alone, how awful it was to hurt her in the beginning of this, and how I'm really sad to see how petty she got in the end.  The end of a relationship is a lot like the end of a life – there's no dignity at all. 

So I'm off to LA tomorrow morning.  I'm going to have to sit in an airplane (which I detest), and wander about the city (which I detest) for a while before I have to pick up Laura, the frasky Dutchman (yes, I know that's not the proper gender, but Dutchwoman doesn't have the same cadence to it that Dutchman has), at the airport.

I might as well narrate my experience again – though each trip out there results in pretty boring blog posts.  I'm usually so drunk or tired or otherwise burned out by my good time that the last thing I want to do is recap it in a blog.  Still.  I started this… might as well finish it.

So I'm off.  Hope I don't die in a terrorist attack – which was what I dreamed about last night.

And if I do – let this be my final word to the world:  Someone needs to cornhole JJ Abrams for what he's doing to Star Trek.

(I'm such a charmer)

Smell you later.

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